Christianity

Prayer and Possibilities

Jennifer JivanLeave a comment

My neighbor and I both wanted to get healthier so we decided to go on morning walks together. Before the sun rose, at 5:30am each morning we’d meet each other outside. We’d walk the neighborhood and share what was on our hearts. We’d take that time to pray for anything and everything while we walked.

We didn’t go to the same church and didn’t share the same circle of friends so I felt comfortable telling her how much I had been hurt by a woman that I led a ministry with. I had been struggling with how she treated me for months. I thought we were friends and I just couldn’t understand why she would treat me the way she did. I felt like giving up on serving all together. Whenever we crossed paths I had a strong urge to turn myself right around and head in the opposite direction as quickly as possible.

I told my walking buddy that I would like to pray that I could let the whole thing go, forgive her and move on. I knew these negative feelings were not good for me and the thought of running into her was taking the joy out of going to church. We prayed out loud about the whole situation along with many other requests as we did every other morning.

Later that day my phone rang. I was shocked to see the name of the woman who had betrayed me pop up on my cell. I wondered “why in the world would she be calling me?” Hesitantly I answered the phone.

She started off by telling me that God had put it on her heart to call me and apologize. I couldn’t believe my ears. I had just prayed about that very thing that morning and later that day she called to apologize! We talked everything out and I hung up feeling so much better. Her phone call meant so much to me because it meant that God heard and He cared.

The Bible tells us that when two or three are gathered In Jesus’ name He is in their midst (Matt 18:20) and that the prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective (James 5:16).

Those mornings spent prayer walking with my neighbor made many life giving memories for me, and taught me a few lessons. I learned that God hears us and cares about the things we care about no matter how big or small, our prayers matter to God. He is more than willing and able to answer us. And there is something powerful that takes place when multiple Christ followers who are genuinely doing their best to follow God’s leading join together in prayer. God is able to get a lot of work done and bring healing through obedient believers. And most importantly God delights in answering our prayers and He loves when we take the time to talk to Him.

Is there something on your mind today? Whatever it is, make your requests known to God and if you have a trusted friend pray together. Give God the opportunity to make Himself known to you by answering your prayers and meeting your needs.

Calling · christian · Christianity · faith · fear · Jesus · Uncategorized

Facing Fear

Jennifer JivanLeave a comment
I can do all this through Him who gives me strength –Philippians 4:13 NIV

A while back I felt the Lord prompting me to do something that I really didn’t want to do. I started reflecting on why I didn’t want to obey God’s leading and after giving it some thought and prayer I realized that what was hindering me could be summed up in one word– fear.

When it came right down to it I was afraid of so many things. Afraid of failing and not only failing but making a complete and utter fool of myself. Afraid of being vulnerable and to be honest I was afraid of the spiritual attack that would come as a result of my obedience to God.

I really wanted to obey but I was having a hard time believing that God could do much of anything with my offering. I felt I didn’t have much to bring and I doubted my ability to make a difference.

Thoughts like:

“Who would listen to me?”

“This will be a waste of my time.”

“Nobody cares what I have to say.”

ran through my mind and I was letting those negative thoughts get the better of me.

I was praying over this whole situation when God brought a bible story found in Numbers chapters 13&14 to mind. In that story God promised His people a good land flowing with milk and honey, a land of abundance. He had just delivered them from slavery in Egypt and performed many miracles to set them free. In order for the Israelites to take over the plentiful land He had in store for them they would need to conquer the current inhabitants who were much bigger than they were. God sent twelve men to spy on the land and bring back a report.

Both Caleb and Joshua were full of faith and wanted to go forward and take over the land God promised them; but the other ten spies doubted themselves and God’s ability and let fear control them. They brought back a bad report and stirred up so much unbelief in the congregation that everyone started talking about turning back to Egypt to live their life as a slave.

Ultimately, they didn’t turn back but they didn’t move forward either. As a result, they stayed stagnant for many years then complained and blamed God that they were stuck.

Like the Israelites, I was stuck due to my lack of unbelief and fear. My being stuck was my own fault because of my lack of follow through.

When we feel stuck or stagnant in life try to remember the last thing you felt God leading you to do, if it lines up with God’s word and would bring Him glory, then move forward whether you feel afraid or not.

When we give into fear and insecurities we miss out on the blessings and abundant life God has in store for us.

It’s normal to feel afraid when taking on something new but it’s important not to let our fear control us. We need to learn to have courage and move forward in spite of fear.

When I’m afraid one of the things that helps me is to reflect on how God has worked in my life in the past. How He has got me through hard times, worked miracles or answered prayers. Remember, he’s been with you this far and He won’t stop showing up for you now.

Prayer– Thank you Lord for being a God who is with me, for me and who dwells inside of me. I pray that you will help me be obedient to your leading, to trust you and your plan. In Jesus’ name, amen.

Bible study · Calling · Christianity · faith · God · god speaks · Jesus · Jonah · purpose · scripture · talents · Uncategorized · Writing

It’s Never Too Late to Obey

Jennifer JivanLeave a comment

I search for God and always do his will, rejecting compromise with evil and walking only in his path– Psalms 119:2-3

I had just arrived at a speaking conference for women. As we settled in and unpacked our belongings it didn’t take long for me to realize that I was the odd man out. As we went around the room introducing ourselves I was impressed by all of the accomplishments the other attendees had. Most of them were writers with published books and successful blogs and apps that they had created.

There were literary agents present, ready and willing to hear your book proposal (if you had one). Most of the attendees took advantage of the opportunity. I on the other hand did not because I never dreamt of writing a book.

To say I felt inadequate to be at the conference was an understatement. The feeling that I didn’t belong grew stronger with each passing moment. I desperately wanted to pack up my things and go home. It was getting too hard to keep the tears in my eyes from spilling over.

I was a little caught off guard that there was so much talk about writing when the focus of the conference was supposed to be on speaking.  Once the conference ended, I was relieved to be on my way home. However, I did walk away from that experience with one key takeaway.

After all the emphasis on writing, I started giving it some thought. I came to the conclusion that if I wanted to be a good communicator, I couldn’t ignore writing. In fact, writing could be an even more effective and powerful tool than words that are spoken. When you say something to a group of people it only reaches that group. Spoken words don’t generally live past the moment. However, when you write your words down, they live forever. They can reach anyone, anywhere, anytime.

But even with this revelation I was having a hard time accepting the new direction I felt God was leading me in.

I had about one million reasons why I could not be a writer. One being that I don’t think I ever got better than a C in English. Writing felt laborious. I didn’t feel I was naturally good at it. I knew I’d have to work long and hard to hone my skill. Not to mention when I was in college I asked a dear friend to edit my paper and she had so many corrections I could barely see my words through all her red ink.

Even though I doubted my ability to write I felt that God was leading me to do it regardless of my lack of self confidence.

It’s been six years since that speaking conference and I’m not proud to admit that I still haven’t fully embraced my call to write consistently. After all this time, I can’t shake the feeling that I have something to say.

I’ve made up every excuse I could find not to write all because I doubted my ability. I worked at menial jobs that took my time and energy which left me depleted. I enrolled in school fulltime in a field I wasn’t passionate about. Anything and everything I’ve invested my time and energy to outside my home hasn’t worked out for one reason or another. I’ve known in my heart that nothing has gone smoothly because none of those endeavors have been meant for me. None of those pursuits aligned with my one true calling.

In this season I have found myself identifying with the story of Jonah. Jonah was called to preach to a city called Ninevah. God appointed Jonah to be his spokesman and tell the Ninevites to repent and turn from their evil ways. However, Jonah did not want to go to Ninevah. He had a long list of reasons why he didn’t want to do what God asked of him. Ultimately Jonah decided he wasn’t going to do what God asked. Not only was he not going to obey but he was going to run away. He boarded a boat heading in the opposite direction to a city called Tarshish.

While he was on the boat a severe storm came and Jonah knew in his heart that the storm was in direct correlation to his disobedience.

The storm was so severe that the people on the boat were panicking and afraid the boat would sink. In hopes of getting the storm to stop Jonah jumped overboard. God appointed a giant whale to take Jonah to Ninevah and Jonah walked the city preaching, telling the people to turn from their evil ways. The people listened and repented of their sins.

Maybe like me, there is something God is calling you to do but you haven’t done it yet. Remember that our obedience is an important part of our relationship with God. It doesn’t matter if we think we’re good enough. Our job as Christ followers is to obey and let the Holy Spirit do the rest.

Things to think about from the story of Jonah:

* When God gives you a job to do, do it quickly without delay.

* God doesn’t change His mind when He gives you an assignment. Follow through with what He’s asked you to do or there could be consequences.

* If things aren’t going smoothly in your life it could be because God is trying to get your attention.

* It doesn’t matter if you don’t think you’re good enough, skilled enough, worthy enough or smart enough for the task God has called you to. All that matters is that you try your best and follow through.

* When God guides you He will also provide a way for you.

Prayer– Lord Jesus, I pray that you will help me to be quick to obey your leading. That I would not make excuses for my disobedience. God please use me and work through me to bring forth your kingdom on earth as it is in heaven.

Your Calling is Irrevokable
Uncategorized

Your Calling is Irrevokable

Jennifer JivanLeave a comment

JENNIFER JIVAN

But these things I plan won’t happen right away. Slowly, steadily, surely, the time approaches when the vision will be fulfilled. If it seems slow do not despair for these things will surely come to pass. Just be patient! They will not be overdue a single day.Habakkuk 2:3

It’s clear that God works through people to accomplish His purposes. But the pathway to living out your calling is more about who you’re becoming than where you’re going and what you’re achieving.

Life can be unpredictable. God rarely takes us straight from point A to point B. The journey to destiny is riddled with crooked paths and zig-zagged motions. We may go around and around the same mountain filled with confusion and delay. We wonder why we haven’t reached our promised land yet.

It may look like nothing’s happening but God is at work even when you feel stagnant.

Fulfilling…

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Mothering, Identity and Putting Our Family First
Christianity · God · Identity · Jesus · mom · motherhood · Parenting · relationships · Stay at home mom · Uncategorized

Mothering, Identity and Putting Our Family First

Jennifer JivanLeave a comment

My family loves one another, for love is from God; He who loves is begotten of God and is coming to know and understand God– 1 John 4:7

I used to think that I wanted to do something big for God. I kept telling Him that I would do anything, and with that, I expected that He would ask me to do something crazy hard like sell all my stuff and move to Africa to become a missionary. For many years I thought that to do something big for God meant that I would work at a church or start up a non-profit or a ministry of some sort, or preach the gospel to the masses. I wasn’t quite sure what it was that He’d want me to do but I was sure it had to be something grandiose. A lavish way to say thank you to Him for all that He has already done for me. It would be something that I could be proud of.

But the thing is, giving your life to Jesus doesn’t always mean that He will ask you to do hard things. Yes, sometimes it does. But His plan for you and me can be trusted. It is far better than anything we could ever dream up on our own. And He genuinely wants and knows whats best for us.

For me, his plan has been much more simple and a lot less glamorous than having some big ministry. His plan for me has been to simply be- a mother.

Although, to be a mother isn’t as simple as it sounds. It comes with a roller-coaster of emotions. It has it’s definite ups and downs. For some women, to be a mother is a dream come true; it’s all they ever wanted. Their dream was to get married and have kids and nothing more. Motherhood is rewarding and fulfilling to them in and of itself. And there is nothing wrong with that.

But for me, to stay home has been riddled with sacrifice. Yes, I always wanted to be a wife and mother. But I also wanted to do other things: like go to the mission field, help women trapped in sex slavery be set free, preach the gospel and serve the church. For me, to stay home never felt like I was doing enough. It’s like I was in a tug-of-war game with my ambition to do great things on one side and my simple life, staying home raising kids on the other side and when it comes right down to it, my kids have always won.

And I’m glad that they’ve won. They always have, and they always will.

Here’s why…

Mothering matters. And mothering is ministry. It may not be what I thought of as a ministry but it is something that is very close to the heart of God.

What I’ve come to realize is, that I don’t have to do anything big for God. If He asks me to, I’m ready and willing. I may want to at times but I am learning to let that need go.

I’m learning that my walk with God has less to do with what I am doing and more to do with what He has already done for me.

And there is beauty and power in the simplicity of putting our family first. We moms are training little people who will one day run the world. We have influence on them, we are leading them, teaching them, shaping the way they think and view life. Our generation is here for but a moment and before we know it the time will come when we will pass the baton to our kids. And we can significantly underestimate the power that we parents have over them and their well-being.

When I think about motherhood I think of my mom. She may not have done anything big with her life. She never worked outside the home, didn’t go to college. She led a simple life. But she was faithful to my dad and us kids. She stayed home with us and made sure every single one of our needs were met. She put herself last. She was a natural mother. Mothering was intuitive to her. She was home every day when I got home from school. We had stability and routine. We were nurtured and loved. We were read to and prayed for. She baked cookies and cooked dinner. She made our house a home. She put my hair in pigtails and then in braids and twisted them around to make buns because I wanted to look like princess Leia. She volunteered in my class when she could. She was always on my side.

It may not sound like much to the rest of the world, but it meant everything to me and still does.

My mom was a really good mom.

And because of her example, I now can be a good mom to my kids. Because I was loved well I can give love away freely.

It’s the gospel lived out. I love because He first loved me. We can’t give away what we don’t have. To be loved is to give love.

We moms are making a difference in the world. It may not look like much to the masses. But to the ones we raise, it means everything.

And one day your kids will grow up and change the world for their children too. All because of the example that you showed them.

We are creating a legacy that is more powerful than we even realize. And we don’t give ourselves enough credit for it.

I no longer need a position or title to feel a sense of worth or accomplishment. I don’t need to start something big or get a bunch of degrees or do anything else to earn Gods love or the love of anybody else.

I’m just me and I’m okay with that. I’m not going to try to change the world. But I am going to try to change my children’s world. To make their world safe, happy, healthy and filled with love. Because I know, that if we moms change our children’s world, collectively together we are raising a generation that will make the world a better, stronger, healthier place to live. And were doing it, one family at a time.

Stop Seeking Approval from People
Christianity · God · god speaks · Jesus · Uncategorized

Stop Seeking Approval from People

Jennifer JivanLeave a comment

But when he who had set me apart before I was born, and who called me by his grace, was pleased to reveal his Son to me, in order that I might preach him among the Gentiles, I did not immediately consult with anyone; nor did I go up to Jerusalem to those who were apostles before me, but I went away into Arabia, and returned again to Damascus– Galatians 1:15-17

Has God given you a dream, vision or calling? If so, don’t be surprised if people you know don’t encourage you to pursue it. The Bible said that a prophet will not be accepted in His home town. Even Jesus himself wasn’t accepted in His home town. His hometown was the only place He couldn’t perform miracles due to their lack of belief. They were blind to His gifts and deity because they were familiar with Him.

Often times, it’s the people who are most familiar with us that can be the most critical and discouraging towards our calling and dreams. They tend to see us for what we were instead of who we are, and who we’re becoming.

Every saint has a past and every sinner has a future.

The people who don’t believe in you have seen you grow, mature, blossom and change. And they’ve also seen you fail, stumble and lose more times than you’ve won.

Some people won’t believe in you and your dream and that’s okay.

Their opinion doesn’t matter. Don’t spend one more second worrying about the approval or opinions of people.

If God has called you to a job or task that’s all you need to focus on- pleasing Him.

It’s human nature for people to hold our faults against us but thank God, He doesn’t. He is constantly making us new. And the beautiful thing is, He sees our potential before we see it. We are a work in progress. We see ourselves as we are but He sees us as we could be.

I believe that He sees something special inside of you and He wants to draw it out of you and make it shine.

So do that thing, that thing that keeps you up late at night dreaming. Stop worrying about what people will think. Don’t let fear hold you back anymore.

If God has called you to lead then lead. If he’s called you to teach then teach. Whatever dream He has deposited deep down inside of you, get to work doing it. Fan that flame, stir up that gift and stop dragging your feet.

If there are no opportunities, create some. If nobody will give you a chance, maybe God is calling you to start your own venture. Stop making excuses and do what God is calling you to do. Make a plan and take steps in that direction.

Can you imagine if Jesus or the apostle Paul had waited for the approval of the religious leaders to start their ministry? The time would have never come!

The religious leaders had plenty of negative things to say about Jesus.

“Isn’t that Josephs son?”

“We know his family, where he comes from. He and his dad are just carpenters. Not schooled in the things of God.”

“Who does this Jesus think He is?”

Sizing Him up, believing that he had no business preaching, teaching, baptizing or healing. The pharisees thought he was an unqualified nobody, a nothing. But Jesus didn’t let their opinion of Him hold Him back. Jesus was on a mission. Focused and determined. He knew that he had come to set the captives free. To show people who God really is, up close and in person.

He knew what his mission here on earth was and He was focused on completing His task; in spite of what other people thought.

Then we have the apostle Paul.

Paul was at one time, a Jewish leader that fiercely pursued and murdered Christians in the name of religion. Until one day, everything changed. The day that God got a hold of Paul when he was traveling down Damascus road (Acts chapter 9). Paul experienced a dramatic conversion. A bright light and a booming voice coming straight from heaven revealing Jesus as Lord. Then God did the unthinkable, He called Paul to be a messenger to the gentiles; the very people he had been persecuting.

Can you imagine if Paul went around asking Christians and the apostles what they thought about his conversion and his calling? Nobody would have believed that God had called Him to preach and plant churches. Nobody would have thought that he was qualified to be a messenger of the gospel. And on his own, he wasn’t.

But with the Holy Spirit, all things are possible. The Holy Spirit is the great qualifier and equipper of those that He calls.

If God has called you to do something, you don’t need to go around asking for peoples approval, permission or opinion on the matter. If you know God has given you an assignment don’t let the opinion of people hold you back. Live for an audience of one. Stay focused on your God ordained task and do the work he has given you with all of your heart.

Our Adoption Story Part 2: Waiting and Listening
adoption · Calling · Christianity · fostercare · god speaks · justice · mom · motherhood · Parenting · Stay at home mom · Uncategorized

Our Adoption Story Part 2: Waiting and Listening

Jennifer JivanLeave a comment

My eyes wait for You and You give me food in due season. You open Your hand and satisfy me with favor. Psalm 145:15-16

He whispered to my heart that He wanted my family to care for orphans. Sometimes I wonder if I didn’t have a habit of spending time in His word if I would have missed that call. That assignment. He speaks to us all the time. But we have to be listening. The idea of fostering or adopting kids was exciting to me. The more I thought about it the more excited I became. The more excited I became the more I prayed that God would bring it to pass. But still, nothing happened. Not for a long time.

When we first started to sense that God was calling us to foster care the timing couldn’t have been worse. My husband was in the midst of a lengthy interview process with a possible employer that would require a move out of state. A year later, He finally got the job and then headed off to train for seven months in Georgia, leaving me and the kids behind.

Once he graduated, we ended up house hunting in Gilbert, Arizona. I was praying for God to help us find a home that was bigger than what we needed so we had the room for these foster kids that I had envisioned in my mind. Kids that I had never met, but still, they held my heart. I told the realtor of my hearts desire, that I wanted to foster children so I needed a large space. The problem was that our budget wasn’t a big house budget, it was a small house budget. We had taken a pay cut so that my husband could have a career that he felt passionate about.  A career in law enforcement.

Our move was in the middle of the big housing crisis. Investors were buying up homes like hotcakes, making all cash offers that we couldn’t compete with. We made offers, good offers, above asking price on nine different homes but we were out bid on every single one.

Eventually, our realtor convinced us to look at a few houses that were slightly out of our price range. And that’s when we found the house that was just right for our family and our future children. A 3,000 square foot home nestled at the end of a culdesac, beautiful trees giving abundant amounts of shade right outside the front window, and a loft. Best of all, it was perfectly located. It had a park at the end of the street. Trendy restaurants and artsy coffee shops were within walking distance. And a farmers market on Saturday mornings was right down the road. Perfection. I could envision our life there, getting up early to go on family bike rides to the farmers market. And of course, I’d grab a latte made with coconut milk while we were there. We’d listen to live music and watch the kids dance and run through the fountains that shot up from the splash pad.

It sounded like heaven to me.

But life doesn’t usually unfold quite like the perfect picture we have in our minds.

Shortly after we settled into our new home I signed us up for foster classes. We were going to finally get the ball rolling in the right direction.

Until one morning, right before our classes were supposed to start, our youngest of the three children, Hailey, woke up sick. Through a series of ongoing symptoms we discovered that she had been born with a birth defect and would need to have surgery. Since it was a genetic condition and runs in families we had our other two children screened as well and sure enough, our five year old son, Ben, had it too. They both needed surgery. Two children under the age of six needed to have surgery at the same time. We were still new to town. No family locally. Only very new friendships starting to form. With that, I felt alone. The thought of them having to go through surgery was daunting to me. The surgeries ended up being difficult. Much worse than I was anticipating. Hailey’s operation was a standard procedure. Not pleasant but there were no complications.

Ben’s was a different story. When the doctor operated on Ben he accidentally made a mistake that created a blockage in his little body. The blockage endangered and damaged his one and only kidney that he was born with. Ben ended up going through a series of five different procedures to try to fix the problem that the doctor accidentally created. The whole ordeal was stressful for all of us and took many months to resolve.

Needless to say, the thought of fostering was put on the back burner. Our kids needed us. Our hands were full. We were just trying to keep our heads above water caring for our own.

So we continued to wait.

 

Body Beautiful
body image · Christianity · culture · Jesus · mom · motherhood · Stay at home mom · Uncategorized

Body Beautiful

Jennifer JivanLeave a comment

I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. Psalm 139:14

I’ve always been on the bigger side. I was a ten-pound baby and now I am a five foot, ten inch woman. I have big bones. I have big hands, so big that I can palm a basketball. I have what some would refer to as ‘birthing hips’ and I wear a size eleven shoe. To make matters worse, now that I am a thirty-something with an inactive thyroid, my middle section is becoming less defined day by day leaving me with a larger waistline than I’d prefer. And I have a host of fine lines surrounding my eyes.

The old me tried really hard to cover up my flaws. I would squeeze my feet into shoes that were too small, or try not to extend my fingers all the way in hopes that nobody would notice how big my hands were. I’d only wear flat shoes so I didn’t accentuate my height.

But thankfully, as I’ve gotten older, God has taught me to love myself and all of my “imperfections”. Because the truth is that they aren’t really imperfections at all. This is the way that God uniquely designed me, and to not like the way that He made me is actually an insult to Him. It took me a while, but now I’m happy to say that I’m comfortable in my own skin.

My perspective has changed. Beauty is not found in the perfect sized body or a flawless face. We have lines around our eyes because when we smile, our eyes smile too. We have stretchmarks on our bellies because we nurtured the lives of precious babies in our wombs. I have large hands and feet so I can hold my babies securely and carry them where they need to go. A woman’s body is beautiful. Majestic even. No matter what shape, size or color.

You are beautiful.

Our society tries to dictate to us what beautiful should look like ,and they have it wrong. What they market to us is unattainable and unnatural. They package beauty wrapped up in unrealistic expectations that promote starvation, Botox, and plastic surgery. They create an image that is not real. One that none of us should, or could, live up to. They photo-shop real women to accentuate what they like and shrink what they deem less desirable. As if we are an object or trophy to be put on display. Leaving us feeling less than beautiful and insecure of our appearance.

Beauty, a perfect body, and youthfulness become our idol. Because we think that being beautiful and young is what makes us valuable. But that is a lie.

You are valuable no matter what you look like, and you are worthy. Worthy of respect. Worthy of love.

True beauty comes from within. It’s in our eyes. Our eyes tell our story without saying a single word. Our spirit and soul shine through our eyes, reflecting our heart. Beauty is in our body’s expression; through a warm embrace, or our hands lifted high in adoration to God. Beauty is in a soul that loves and serves others selflessly.

This body is only our vessel, the house that our spirit lives in. It is the vehicle that we drive here on earth. Our value is not in our body or appearance, it’s in our identity as children of God. To Him we are worth far more then silver or gold.

We are worth it all.

Let’s not let our insecurities hold us back. Let’s be confident and hold our heads high. Let’s embrace ourselves and perceived imperfections. Let’s love our body and care for it. Let’s respect it.

So now, I will lift my hands high in worship and not be embarrassed by their size. I will not spend one more day wishing I looked different because life is too precious of a gift to waste time dwelling on that.

 

 

 

 

 

Margin: Making Room for Me
Anxiety · Balance · Christianity · God · Jesus · mom · motherhood · Parenting · relationships · Schedule · Stay at home mom · Uncategorized

Margin: Making Room for Me

Jennifer JivanLeave a comment

I keep my heart with all diligence, for out of it spring the issues of life. Proverbs 4:23

I was so tired. It was early still, only 9:30 pm. I had just tucked the kids in bed. Usually that’s when I’d go downstairs and read or watch something until 11:00 or so, but that particular night I was simply exhausted. So, I decided to go to bed early. The only problem was that once my head hit the pillow, instead of falling asleep, I almost instantly felt my chest tighten with anxiety. There was a heaviness I felt that was almost oppressive. I couldn’t quite put my finger on why at first. It’s almost as if I had been feeling that way all day but I didn’t allow myself to acknowledge it until I finally got quiet and still.

It seems to happen that way to me; when I get quiet is when I notice the feelings and emotions that I subconsciously try to suppress. It’s at that time when my body speaks to me and communicates what I’m trying to ignore mentally.

I was tense so I started to reflect and pray that God would show me what was the root of the problem, and a few thoughts came to mind.

One was that I had recently celebrated my thirty-fifth birthday and instead of being excited over a day filled with fun, I spent the day dwelling on the fact that I have less time left on earth to accomplish my goals. I became even more aware of how quickly life was flashing before my eyes on that day. Another year down. Don’t get me wrong, 34 was good to me. A big year for our family; we adopted three girls my thirty-fourth year of life, three sisters. It’s a year that I will never forget. But boy, did it go fast! I used to think that only old people said that time went fast. I didn’t understand what they meant until now.  Lately, it seems as if time is slipping through my fingers like sand through an hourglass. It was getting away from me and I wanted to chase after it; catch it and bottle it up, but I couldn’t. It was like a river that had swept me up in it’s current, pushing me forward with no way to stop.

My mind was focusing on the negative instead of the positive, which is a never a good thing.

I have work to do, I thought. Work that I feel a deep desire to accomplish, but I wasn’t getting anything done because taking care of my family and home is all consuming. My mom job is never, ever over. The amount of work it takes to keep my home running smoothly is actually overwhelming to me at times. There is rarely a moment where I feel I can rest because I am drowning in piles of laundry, dishes, and dust bunnies.

When I try to do something that I enjoy, something that breathes life into my soul, I am quickly interrupted. So I end up feeling frustrated, and stifled by an endless list of to-dos.

For me, anxiety and worry creep in when I’m not managing my schedule well. If I don’t prioritize the things that are important to me, I get stressed. And it’s crucial for us to set boundaries and live a life with intention to be emotionally healthy.

Our schedule is sacred. Boundaries are critical. Our schedule is a reflection of what is most important to us. Maybe you need to put yourself on the schedule. As parents, we often put ourselves on the back-burner and then we wonder why we’re worn out and anxious.

What fills you up and brings you joy? What makes you feel alive? Whatever that is, put it on your calendar. Make room for you. If you don’t know what you enjoy, find out, create, explore, get out of your comfort zone, try something new. You are worth it! And your family will get the best version of you when you take care of yourself. You will become happier which will make them happier. It’s okay to leave things undone once in a while.

It’s important to schedule quality time with God, your spouse, and your kids. Schedule time with friends, time to do what you love–something that makes you feel excitement and breathes life into your soul. Create your schedule based upon goals and what is most important to you. I’ve noticed that when I stick to my schedule, I feel at peace. My life has balance and order. Time management in life and in our schedule protects us mentally and emotionally. And that’s God’s heart for you. John 10:10 says that “the thief comes to steal kill and destroy; but I come so that you may enjoy life and live it to the full.”

My prayer for you is that you will live your life to the full. Enjoy this journey you’re on. Take care of yourself. Seek God and live a life of balance. Make time to do the things that bring you joy. Use your gifts and talents, spend time with loved ones, create, explore, get out of your comfort zone and be at peace. You are worth it!

 

Our Adoption Story Part 1: Desire
adoption · Christianity · fostercare · god speaks · mom · motherhood · pregnancy · Uncategorized

Our Adoption Story Part 1: Desire

Jennifer Jivan1 Comment

It’s funny how God works. Even as a little girl I remember saying that I wanted to adopt children. I didn’t know any families who had adopted but I thought, “why would I have my own kids when there are so many children out there who need a home?” I was just a little girl, I didn’t know anything. But I never forgot what I said and I meant it with all of my heart. It’s as if even as babes God deposits in us a little spark or desire that is from him. And as we travel through life little by little he blows on that spark until it becomes a flame.  And the flame is that desire that is so strong that it compels us to take action. His word says that we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them- Ephesians 2:10.

Time went on. I got married. My husband and I got pregnant two months after we were wed. And I was sick as a dog. I mean, I felt like I had the worst flu of my life for the entire pregnancy. Finally, after getting pregnant with our third child I knew I never wanted to be pregnant again. There was no way that I could take care of my three little ones through another pregnancy. It was shortly after that when I was reading the Bible and James 1:27 jumped off the page at me. It said “true religion in the heart of God is caring for orphans and widows in their distress.” And at that moment I knew, God was asking me to care for orphans.